Seven Questions with Barbara
Welcome to Seven Questions — the Zero Kids Zero Regrets Interview Series!
In this edition, our editor-in-chief, Millie Lemmon, interviews Barbara about her life and experiences as a childfree woman. Barbara is a 68-year-old woman from Kansas who has been with her wife for nearly 40 years. Together, they own a small resale shop.
1. Did you decide to be childfree or was it a decision made for you? Tell us about that: Why, when, how?
A little from column A and a little from column B. Because I'm gay, it would have taken some extra effort for me or my wife to conceive, which would have required money that we simply never had to spare, given that we run a small shop together. It's a good enough living for the two of us, but it doesn't give us a lot of disposable income. We love our life, personally and professionally, and we would have had to make changes we didn't want to make in order to afford getting pregnant and raising children. Both of us would have enjoyed parenting, but we also enjoyed our lives as they were.
2. Do you have a partner? If not, is that also by choice? If you do, how did you get on the same page? When do you think is the time to have that conversation with a partner?
Yes, my wife and I have been together almost 40 years. Fortunately, we were on the same page about children right from the start. You don't stay together for four decades without being on the same page about a lot of things, haha!
3. How does your family feel about your being childfree? Do you get any pushback?
My parents are gone now, but I didn't get any pushback from them while they were alive. My dad, because I was estranged from him after I came out. My mom, because she was incredibly supportive of me in general. They were divorced, and I was an only child, and my mom was my best friend. I think she would have loved being a grandma, and would have made a terrific one. But she was always respectful of my choices and the difficulties we would have faced, so she never said anything about it.
4. How does being childfree affect your friendships?
I don't think it really affects them at all. Some of my friends have children and some don't. The ones that do, their children are adults now. Some of them are starting to have their own babies!
When we were younger, we definitely lost touch with some friends who had children. That's just the natural order of things, I think. It's not because we're childfree; frequently the friends who had children fell out of contact with each other, too. Children take up a great deal of your focus and time. It makes sense that people turn inward when their families expand. I was and am still just happy to catch up with old friends if there's an opportunity.
In fact, we've recently reconnected with some old friends who are empty-nesters. I don't think of it as letting friendships go. Sometimes they do fall away, but sometimes having children is just hitting a pause button on a friendship for awhile.
5. What role, if any, do children play in your life? Would you like them to play a bigger or smaller role?
Very little, to be honest. My wife is more of an "auntie" type. I've always been less involved with children in our orbit, but I enjoy being around children.
6. Is there anything you feel like you’re missing out on by choosing not to have children, even though you don’t regret your decision?
If there are things I'm missing out on, and there probably are, they aren't things I miss. I'm very happy and fulfilled with my life as it is.
7. What are the benefits to your decision to remain childfree?
Living life the way I want. I realize what a privilege it is to be able to say that I'm happy and fulfilled.
Please support Zero Kids Zero Regrets by visiting MenoLabs, dedicated to bringing advanced, innovative, and naturally sourced solutions to a woman's menopause journey.
