Seven Questions with Jane McAvoy
Welcome to Seven Questions — the Zero Kids Zero Regrets Interview Series!
In this edition, our editor-in-chief, Millie Lemmon, interviews our contributor Jane McAvoy about her life and experiences as a childfree woman. Jane is a magical mystery woman who lives in the Pacific Northwest with an adventure cat named Dale and zero kids.
Oh, it was a firm decision I made a long time ago. I have a family history of anxiety and depressive episodes, which impacted my decision to not be a parent at a young age, long before I experienced mental health issues myself. I didn't feel as though I could take care of myself with the attention that maintaining good mental health demands, no less take care of a child when I struggle to find the energy to look after my own needs.
That was the central reason I chose to remain childfree, but other reasons emerged as I matured, too.
2. Do you have a partner? If not, is that also by choice? If you do, how did you get on the same page? When do you think is the time to have that conversation with a partner?
I do not currently have a partner. (Unless you count my cat Dale!) It is somewhat by choice, in that I have high standards and am not great at compromising, since I quite enjoy being on my own. And it is also somewhat not by choice, in that I would be happy to have a partner if I met the right person.
When I have dated, I always bring it up very early, because my decision to remain childfree is firm, and I don't want to waste the time of anyone who wants kids or thinks they could change my mind on the matter. It also informs conversations about safe sex and protection, and why contraception is an absolutely inflexible requirement for me.
3. How does your family feel about your being childfree? Do you get any pushback?
I don't get any pushback anymore. I did when I was younger. It was difficult to make my case, because my parents felt very indicted by my decision, centered as it was around how their untreated mental health crises had impacted me as a child. Even though I didn't come right out and say that, they knew I was "blaming" them. They felt blamed, anyway. I was not trying to assign blame for my choices, but the truth is that some of those dynamics were very damaging and certainly informed my decision.
Now I think they understand better, partially because I'm better at stating my case. If they're not more understanding, they're at least less pushy about it. It's a win either way, to be honest.
4. How does being childfree affect your friendships?
It has sometimes been difficult, although I'm not sure if that's more due to being childfree or being unpartnered, both of which can cause me to be left out from certain events. Not necessarily even maliciously, but because people just don't think I'd want to participate, or just don't think of me at all when planning around the idea of "family gathering."
I've also moved around a bit, and it's hard to make new friends in a new place the older I get. But Dale has helped me build a network of friends and acquaintances who are also childfree pet folks!
5. What role, if any, do children play in your life? Would you like them to play a bigger or smaller role?
Children don't play much of a role in my life. I'm fine with that, although I would also enjoy being a childless cat lady auntie to any children looking for one.
6. Is there anything you feel like you’re missing out on by choosing not to have children, even though you don’t regret your decision?
I'm sure there are things I'm missing out on, but I don't know what they are, so they don't much affect me. In the abstract, naturally I know there are things that parents say are wonderful and magical and life-changing etc., but I don't know how much those things would actually mean to me.
The way I think about it, if those things that every parent talks about sounded like they'd be so meaningful to me, then why would I be so comfortable passing them up by not having kids? I just think I'm built different than people who want to parent.
And humans don't tend to miss things we don't want in the first place.
7. What are the benefits to your decision to remain childfree?
Ooh, well, here are ten of them!
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