When to Discuss Your Zero Kids Choice with Someone You're Dating
As I’ve mentioned before, my current life partner is a cat named Dale, but occasionally I venture into the world of dating before immediately regretting my decision. Just kidding! Sort of.
I am hardly an expert on dating, but one subject on which I have a lot of experience is talking to possible long-term partners about my decision to remain childfree. Once you’re sure of your decision, making sure it’s something you talk about clearly and directly isn’t difficult — but knowing when to have that conversation can be tricky.
(In good news, it gets less and less tricky the older you get!)
1. Early Conversations: Setting the Tone
In the early stages of dating, the primary focus tends to be on discovering compatibility, exploring interests, and nurturing attraction. At this point, discussing your decision to not have children might seem premature. However, if you’re dating with serious intentions, it’s crucial to lay your cards on the table sooner rather than later. This doesn’t mean bringing up the topic on the first date — although, to be honest, I don’t advise against it if comes up organically (or even if it doesn’t).
It’s not always possible to simply integrate it naturally into conversations as the relationship progresses. Sometimes it’s better to be blunt. The rationale is simple: clarity fosters compatibility. The sooner you share your perspective, the less likely you are to invest time and emotions in a relationship that fundamentally diverges from your values. Ensuring that both partners are on the same page regarding the future is a good policy, regardless of the subject, and few subjects are as important as your disposition towards parenting.
2. Navigating the Conversation: Be Honest
When you do choose to discuss your zero kids decision, approach it with honesty. Don’t hedge, if you are really firm in your choice. Leaving open a door that is truly closed will blow up in the future. Remember that it’s not about convincing the other person to agree with you but about sharing a crucial aspect of who you are.
It’s equally important to really listen to what the other person is saying. Be honest with yourself about what you are hearing. People do change their minds, and it’s impossible to predict when that legitimately happens. But during early conversations, be on the alert for conviction versus equivocation, instead of searching for what you hope to hear.
It’s also worth taking the time to honestly assess how open the person is toward the discussion. If they are keen to discuss it, even if you don’t come to any kind of firm resolution the first time you talk about it, it generally bodes well for the frankness and productiveness of future conversations.
3. Embracing the Outcome
Finally, embrace the outcome of these discussions with openness. Sometimes, this discussion will solidify the relationship; other times, it might highlight an irreconcilable difference. Either way, it’s a good outcome, because you can’t have a healthy and happy long-term partnership with fundamental disagreement on the issue of having or not having children.
In the end, the goal is not just to find a partner but to find a partner who shares and respects your choice and your vision for the future. Only through honest conversations and mutual understanding can you create the foundation for a harmonious relationship.
