Seven Questions with Misty
Welcome to Seven Questions — the Zero Kids Zero Regrets Interview Series!
In this edition, our business manager, Nicolette Landry, interviews Misty about her life and experiences as a childfree woman. Misty is 53 years young, a therapist, and partners with a solid human being, Peter. They share their home with two pups and three cats, all rescues.
1. Did you decide to be childfree or was it a decision made for you? Tell us about that: Why, when, how?
For me/us, this was ultimately a decision we made but there were external forces that informed this decision. I didn’t meet the partner I’d marry until I was 37; we married a week before my 41st birthday. I had already been told by my OB/GYN that I was categorized as “geriatric” as far as the fertility world was concerned. I hadn’t ever had a strong urge to become a mother, but I also never was in a place of knowing I didn’t want children either. I think that’s a fortunate space in which to live, the in-between, given what the future had to hold for us.
We started trying to get pregnant soon after we married. It proved difficult, so we were recommended to a fertility clinic. Before long, we actually got pregnant naturally, and we were pretty excited. Foolishly, it never dawned on me that something could go wrong once we cleared the hurdle of becoming pregnant, even though I have so many close friends who had complications and tragedy with pregnancy.
At our first ultrasound, it was discovered that something was wrong, terribly wrong. After a few more weeks of waiting for final confirmation (that included putting a huge needle into my belly to extract amniotic fluid), we got the devastating news: Trisomy 13, terminal. It was recommended, for my health and safety, to terminate. Our hands were delicately held by all of the professionals — doctors, nurses, front desk staff. We truly were taken care of, which gave us some sense of hope for the future.
After taking time to process and grieve, we decided to try again. We quickly began IUI treatments with a new doctor, but, after a few failed attempts, it was discovered that I had fibroids. Before she would proceed with more fertility treatments, I had to have surgery. So, I did. The day I was supposed to head back for my post-surgery appointment, I learned my father was unexpectedly in the ICU, dying. In a daze, I still went to the appointment only to learn the surgery wasn’t 100% successful. My dad died 2 days later; I was able to hold his hand as he took his last breath.
I share all of this to explain that, although we did ultimately make the decision, it was in many ways made for us. I know I could have continued and perhaps gotten pregnant, but the risks were so high, and I was bogged down in my grief. I was also 42, almost 43. The thought of having a teen in my mid-late 50s seemed daunting.
In retrospect I am happy with our decision and, although every now and again we feel the remnants of grief creep in, it doesn’t change how clear we are about being childfree. It was ultimately the right path for us.
2. Do you have a partner? If not, is that also by choice? If you do, how did you get on the same page? When do you think is the time to have that conversation with a partner?
Yes, I have a partner. We were always on the same page, wanting a child but not on the end of the spectrum where we dreamt of being parents. The only time we were not 100% on the same page was during the days between learning something was wrong with the baby and learning what, exactly, was wrong. You see, one of possibilities was Trisomy 21, otherwise known as Down Syndrome. My husband’s sister has Down Syndrome and is living, today, at 50 years old. Peter, my husband, couldn’t wrap his head around what we would do if that were to be the diagnosis and, as much as I shared that sentiment, I couldn’t wrap my head around raising a developmentally disabled child as an older parent. We feel fortunate that we ended up not having to navigate that decision.
3. How does your family feel about your being childfree? Do you get any pushback?
As I mentioned, my father is no longer living, but I think he would have pressed us to keep trying. Before he passed, he even offered to help pay for more fertility treatments after losing the baby. Given our situation, there wouldn’t have been guilt trips, though he was famous for those. My mom and her partner just grieved with us, and it’s never really been a discussion since. Not that we avoid it; I think they have just given us the grace to be. I know they would have loved having a grandchild, and I imagine they grieved their own loss. I am my mother’s only child, so she is grandchild-free.
4. How does being childfree affect your friendships?
From my perspective, it doesn’t seem to affect them negatively. We are fortunate (likely by design) to have many couple friends who are also childfree and, therefore, it’s an enhancement. We have an absolute blast with our friends — parents and childfree alike. These days, most of our friends with kids are empty-nesters and we have embraced them in their new worlds. I think that’s a benefit, too.
5. What role, if any, do children play in your life? Would you like them to play a bigger or smaller role?
Because of my age, I was single during the birth and early years of those friends with children. Over those years, I’ve helped change diapers, rock to sleep, babysit, plan birthdays, celebrate milestones, and the like. We are unofficial “godparents” to two children of friends. We enjoy the kids of our friends immensely.
We are content with the role we play/they play in our collective lives presently. As the kids get older, I notice we are less in contact, but that’s natural and okay.
6. Is there anything you feel like you’re missing out on by choosing not to have children, even though you don’t regret your decision?
Who’s gonna take care of us when we need caretaking?! That haunts me and I spend a lot of time thinking about how we need to set ourselves up so that we can age with dignity and with help from loving, caring people.
7. What are the benefits to your decision to remain childfree?
Money/financial freedom. No explanation needed there.
Less stress/responsibility: Not just the day-to-day stress/responsibility to raising a child but also being free from the larger worries of the future of our environment/climate and political landscape.
More Time: Being able to travel is a passion for us both; this would be less possible for many reasons — school schedules, age appropriateness, financial limitations (to be clear, we are not independently wealthy so there are other limitations we do face). Life is less hectic, and I truly see the benefit of time going by a bit slower.
Freedom/independence: Career advancement and investment risk-taking. Shaping our lives as we want, without compromise (yes, there are other limitations).
Spontaneity: Being able to jump in the car to meet friends for dinner, to booking a trip to wine country within 10 minutes of the idea getting tossed out over drinks, to deciding the night before our trip was to end and staying two extra days in Mexico! I think our lives are more adventurous without kids… though I do know many parents who would disagree.
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