"How Were You Sure You Didn't Want Kids?"

 

When I talk to younger women who are still deciding whether to parent, one of the questions I get asked with some frequency is: How were you sure that you didn't want kids?

There isn't a simple answer to that; there was no single lightning-strike moment before which I was uncertain and after which I was certain. I just know that I am sure now that it was the right decision, and I paid attention to my instincts along the way.

One thing that was very important to arriving at my decision and certainty about it, however, was lots and lots of thought about what it would be like to have kids, in practical ways.

You know those listicles you'll see occasionally with titles like "Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me Before I Had Kids," full of entries like "you'll never sleep in again" or "kids are super expensive"? Well, one of the ways I was sure that I didn't want kids is that all of those things seemed super obvious to me!

Some of the lists are more lighthearted, with complaints like stepping on LEGOs or how your kids can insult you in ways you never imagined; some are a little more serious, with discussions about never getting a full night's sleep or touch exhaustion or trying to find time for sex; and some of them have heartbreaking confessions like feeling as though you can never give 100% to your kids or your job or yourself, or how soul-shattering it can be to care for a profoundly disabled child, or what it's like to discover you don't like your kids.

Even the really hard ones seemed obvious to me, too — because I'm a planner. I plan even little things to the nth degree. I think about every possible outcome, and, if I'm not prepared to navigate all of them, then I reconsider. I gave a lot of thought to what being a parent would be like — not just the sweet and happy times, but the hard times and the day-to-day grind — and it wasn't for me.

I grew up in a place where many people have children at a very young age; where many people regard becoming parents as inevitable. As a result, I knew a number of people who gave the decision whether to parent (no less when) very little thought at all — or only imagined the ideal circumstances without considering the what ifs. 

Bringing a life into the world is far too big a decision to fail to consider: What if everything isn't perfect?

I would never offer anyone, no less a complete stranger, advice on whether they should choose to parent. But, having reached the point where I'm definitely not going to ever be a parent, I feel not only comfortable, but obliged, to give this advice: Think about it long and hard. 

Ask a lot of questions. Talk to people who are parents, at every stage of parenthood, to understand what it's like to be a new parent, a parent of a toddler, a parent of a teenager, an empty nester. 

Talk to parents of disabled children, of children who have survived serious injury or illness. What was that like emotionally? What did it mean for their family financially?

Talk to parents who are together about how having children changed their relationship. Talk to parents who are not together how having children changed their relationship, and what co-parenting is like now.

Ask parents to share their joys of parenthood, as well as their challenges. Ask them if there's anything they would have done differently. Find out what they didn't expect, so you will benefit from their experience and hard-earned wisdom.

Talk to people who have remained childfree. Find out what life is like with zero kids and zero regrets. Ask them what experiences they have had which wouldn't have been possible if they had been parents. Don't be afraid to explore what opportunities, freedom, and happiness is possible within a childfree life.

And remember how many of these stories — particularly the struggles of parenthood and the joyfulness of a childfree life — are still considered taboo in much of the public square.

Whatever you do, do it informed. Parenting is literally assuming the responsibility for another human's entire life. Make that decision with as much information as you can.

You don't want to end up on a listicle of "Things You Wish You Knew Before You Became a Parent." The best gift you can give any potential kids — and yourself! — is making a truly informed and confident choice about the rest of your life.

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