"But You Would Be Such a Good Mom!"

 

One of the things that women who have chosen to be childfree often hear, especially if we enjoy interacting with children, is: "But you would be such a good mom!"

It can be a difficult thing to hear, and to respond to, as it is intended as a compliment but nonetheless implicitly criticizes our choices.

Sometimes, it brings up stuff that we don't want to discuss with just anyone else. Like, for example, if part of the reason we decided not to parent is because we have mental illness that we are worried would interfere with our ability to parent the way we'd want. 

And many of us simply don't have a quick or easy reply to "But you would be such a good mom!" because it's a complicated subject.

In the abstract, I'd be a great mom. Theoretically, I would be the kind of mom that everyone who has said this to me thinks I would be, the kind of mom it seems like I would be to people who have seen me crawling into kids' playhouses with them or doing their favorite craft project with them or getting down on the floor to interact with them on their level. Or to people who see how much love and care and compassion I dedicate to my pets.

But the reality is that I don't want to be a mom. And that is a necessary prerequisite, at least for me (and lots of other childfree people), to being a good mom.

There are already plenty of parents in the world who don't enjoy the job. There really isn't any reason to try to convince someone who doesn't want to be a parent that they'd be a good one.

So that is usually my reply: "I would be a good mom if I wanted to be one." But I don't.

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