Having Kids Is a Choice (But Why It Might Not Feel Like One)
In an ideal world, every woman and other person who can get pregnant (or wants to adopt) has all the resources they need to make an informed and uncoerced decision about whether to parent. In an ideal world, there is no pressure, there are no gendered narratives about biological destiny, there is a robust social safety net to support people who choose to parent and the children they raise, there is no one telling anyone they're selfish if they don't want to parent, there is unfettered access to reproductive healthcare, there is no abortion stigma, there is easy and affordable access to birth control, there is reliable social policy around parental leave, there are jobs with livable wages, there is no looming climate crisis that makes the future a giant fiery question mark, and the decision to parent or be childfree is as simple as what you want to do.
We don't live in an ideal world, so the decision is extremely complicated. And even in the ideal world described above, there are further considerations of a personal nature — like one's own mental health, abuse history, family of origin, and what sorts of genetic realities and life experiences one may or may not want to potentially pass on to a child.
And because we don't live in an ideal world — or, often, even a decent one — there are people whose children are the product of assaults, who may not have had the option to terminate their pregnancies even if they very desperately wanted to.
But in the best of circumstances in our deeply imperfect world, having kids is still ostensibly a choice. So why does it often not feel like one?
There are a lot of answers to that question, and this site is keen to explore lots and lots of them. But let's start here: All over the world, becoming a parent is the default assumption. In the same way that people are assumed to be straight unless they say otherwise, or assumed to be cisgender unless they say otherwise, or assumed to be able-bodied unless they have a visible disability or disclose an invisible one; in the same way that people are often assumed to be religious, and depending on where they live even a particular religion, unless they say otherwise; in the same way that there are all sorts of enforced norms that aren't fair to people who are different by nature or by choice, parenting is considered A Thing That You Will Do, and a parent A Thing That You Will Be.
Thus, deviating from that expectation is transgressive. And knowing that people will judge you and be disappointed in you and view you differently creates a sort of pressure that makes choices feel a lot less desirable, or easy, or sometimes even an option at all.
One of the things that we hope to contribute to changing this dynamic is normalizing being childfree. The more normal it is, the more common, the more accepted...the more it will feel like a real choice to more women.
And that's all we want for anyone: A real choice.
Please support Zero Kids Zero Regrets by visiting Angry Orange. Smells like Heaven. Works like Hell.